Kate Bailey (00:00.239)
Welcome. You are listening to the Play Big Queen podcast. This is for you if you are a woman who is an entrepreneur, business owner, professional, leader, or someone who is deeply committed to personal growth, self-improvement, transformation, and living authentically. This is especially for you if you have an invisible disability, whether you are diagnosed,
undiagnosed, self-diagnosed, or late diagnosed, and you are working on reclaiming your neurodivergent identity, rebuilding confidence, learning what works for your unique brilliance while breaking free from small, people-pleasing conditioning. If you are a visionary change maker interested in advancing your leadership and creating success on your terms, and you want to leave a legacy, if you are navigating disability or neurodiversity as an individual or as an ally, and you are looking for a support
supportive and inclusive environment to thrive, then this is for you. I am your hostess, Kate Bailey. I am the Play Big Queen. My name is my title and a command for all women. Play Big Queen. I invite you to claim this title for yourself and coronate your Play Big self too, if it serves you. I am a business and embodiment mentor working with women who are ready to rise the fuck up and be your bold, beautiful
sexy-ass self, start and grow your big bold vision and claim that you too get to have your boldest desires. I am the creatrix of Kate Bailey LLC, which provides coaching services, educational courses, products and experiences that promote success in neurodiversity advocacy, women's empowerment, embodiment, entrepreneurship and business to serve women on their transformational journey.
To learn more about my company offerings and to get on my email list, go to xxxkatebailey.com. If you would like to learn more about my work, my personal values, my mission and my community, make sure you catch the last five minutes of this episode to go deeper and learn so much more. On this podcast, sometimes we will have guests, sometimes I'll do solo episodes, but every single time you listen, you will expand. So get ready.
Kate Bailey (02:22.04)
It's a new era for women on the PlayBig path. Long may we reign. It is that time of the week again. And this is another banger episode that is specifically designed to be shared with other ADHD leaders, professionals, business owners and entrepreneurs who are doing brilliant things in the world while simultaneously working on
unmasking and reclaiming how they work in all areas of life, love and business.
ambiance. And if you're new here, you are so in for a treat. This podcast is for neurodivergent women who are rewriting every rule about leadership, power, and pleasure. This is where we name the truth, break patterns, and reclaim the parts of ourselves we were told to tone down. I am so glad you are here today because this episode is such a big one. We are diving headfirst into one of the most charged.
misunderstood and tender topics for ADHD women in business. Money. Not just how to make it, but how to hold it, how to feel safe with it, how to not spend the whole damn thing the second it hits your bank account and how to unravel the shame cycle that keeps us in loops of feast and famine. Let's go there. Let's talk about something most ADHD women carry deep in the shadows of their nervous systems.
I am talking about the dopamine spending spiral, the shame that follows, and how we start to get free. So let's breathe together and go slow. This one is not about blaming ourselves. It's about learning the truth, giving our brains what they actually need, and walking away with tools that can shift everything.
Kate Bailey (04:38.808)
All right, so if you've got ADHD, whether you're diagnosed, undiagnosed, self-diagnosed, or seeking a diagnosis, if you've got ADHD, you probably already know this. Money management is not just about numbers. It's about dopamine. It's about nervous system regulation. It's about trauma. And it's about what your brain is doing behind the scenes every single time you open a payment notification or go to tap your card at Sephora or Target.
or that very convincing Instagram ad for that shiny new course that promises to fix your every problem. Here's the truth that no one told us growing up. Your brain isn't broken when it comes to money. It just was not built for a system that is designed around shame, punishment, and long-term delayed gratification. That is neurotypical culture, and it does not fit us. So what happens?
We buy the thing to feel alive again. We make the money but forget to budget. We miss the payment even when we have the funds. We hyperfixate on abundance one day and panic scroll Zillow convinced we'll be broke forever the next. Enter the dopamine spiral. And I know I don't even have to explain this. When I say this, I know you felt it when you heard these words. If you've ever spent money that you did not plan to.
gone to Target for toothpaste and left with $187 worth of quote unquote joy, felt high while clicking add to cart and then crushed the next day with guilt. If you over committed to a high ticket coaching program and then had no idea how you were gonna make the payments, you are not alone. You are not irresponsible. You are experiencing a brain that is trying to feel okay in a world.
that keeps it in survival mode. ADHD brains are wired to chase dopamine. We crave novelty. We seek relief from boredom, overstimulation, or emotional heaviness. Spending, especially on something that is beautiful, indulgent, or fun, gives us that quick hit. But dopamine is short-lived. It gives us the high, but not the satisfaction. And if this is your first time hearing that,
Kate Bailey (07:02.279)
Go back and listen to episode 20 from addiction to alignment for a deeper dive into the difference between dopamine and serotonin. So what happens when this rush wears off, right? Shame. That old record plays the same tune. Why did I do that again? I should know better. I'm so bad with money. This becomes a loop. The loop is we have dysregulation, so we start spending. We feel shame from the spending, so we freeze.
We have more dysregulation and then more spending. And that loop, that is not a moral failing, that is not a character flaw, that doesn't even mean that you are someone who is out of integrity. It is a nervous system pattern that is working in tandem with cognitive dysfunction to wreak havoc on your life. But it is so important to know that shame is not a strategy. Shame will not serve you.
And there are entire billion dollar marketing industries built to trigger that shame because when you feel like you're not enough, you buy. And if you're already in the dopamine spiral, those messages keep you in survival mode, physically and emotionally, unable to hold on to anything for yourself. That is why this work matters. And here's a plot twist and a truth that we just don't talk about enough, right? More money does not solve the spiral.
There are some millionaires who are neurodivergent and spend everything too. Not because they're unintelligent, but because money holding is about capacity, not income. It's about being able to hold money, even when it feels uncomfortable. It's about feeling safe with wealth, keeping boundaries with yourself. It's about holding money without numbing, avoiding, or rescuing others with money.
Most ADHD women were never taught how to hold their money. We were taught to spend it, feel bad, fix it later. But I believe you're here listening to this episode because you are ready to repattern that. Shame will tell you be better, try harder, be more disciplined. But shame doesn't heal the behavior, it actually fuels it.
Kate Bailey (09:23.86)
And the more you dabble in shame or reinforce the shame, the more we reinforce the cycle. Because when we feel like we're failing, we reach for what gives us relief in the short term. That's how we end up back in the spiral. That's how we end up defaulting back to the small self concept, not the play big version of us who knows how to hold things and play with their resources for the long game. And I just want to clarify at this point in the podcast that I am
mostly speaking to ADHD women who are spenders, who make impulsive purchases, who are caught in a pattern between survival and spending to give yourself some relief from being dysregulated. If you're more of a saver and less of a spender and you save to the point where you do not allow yourself to invest in your own pleasure, that's a different episode.
That's a different patterning altogether. There are a lot of similarities. They can be different ends of the same spectrum, but that's not what this episode is going to be about today. This episode is about breaking the cycle of spending from dysregulation and specifically recognizing that we do not need shame or punishment in order to break that cycle. need compassion and tools that actually work for ADHD brains. And with that in mind, I want to talk about
needs and wants and how they all kind of get meshed together in the ADHD blur. I think what's really helpful when it comes to self understanding is understanding that for neurodivergent people, this line between needs and wants is not always clear, not because we're irresponsible, but because the emotional urgency of a want can feel exactly like a need. It's indistinguishable.
that new online course, that new entrepreneurial venture, that weekend trip, that luxury skincare splurge that's finally gonna get you to do your self-care routine. It's not just a want, it's an attempt to regulate, reclaim joy, or feel freedom after days of burnout. It's often an attempt to feel something positive, to self-resource, to reclaim.
Kate Bailey (11:44.286)
joy and sometimes it does feel like survival because neurodivergent people and people with ADHD have higher regulation needs than neurotypical people with fewer tools or support to meet them. The first step to holding money is learning to tell the difference between regulation behavior and a true resource need. And if it is a need to pause and ask, are there other ways?
that I can meet this need, ways that help me regulate without forcing me to spend what I want to hold. Because if we don't learn to interrupt that pattern by asking that question, the alternative is living in financial whiplash, which only deepens the dysregulation. And we're here to break that pattern. Now, something that I think is really important to name that I want you to take into your heart if you haven't already is the fact
that your needs are valid, even if they don't look quote unquote normal. Especially for my fellow Audi-H dears, your needs, our needs might not look traditional. You cannot compare your needs to someone who is neurotypical, abled, or doesn't have an invisible disability or chronic health condition. A weekly massage
might not be optional for you. It might be the only way your nervous system resets or gets relief or proprioceptive input and that is not indulgent, that's maintenance. Just like someone in physical therapy needs body work, your brain and body deserve the same support. But systems are not always going to see it that way. Capitalism calls it impulsive, culture calls it frivolous.
And if we're not careful, we internalize those judgments as shame. So trust me when I say, you are not bad with money, you are not too much, you are not irresponsible, you are not incapable of holding money, you just need a different relationship with money. One that centers regulation, not restriction. One that centers choice, not shame. Power, not panic.
Kate Bailey (14:01.196)
you are worthy of a relationship with money that actually works for you. So let's start to build it together. So how do we begin, right? It really starts with these, what I call like these little ADHD money mindset interrupts. Every day you go through your life with the ABCs, your actions, behaviors, and choices. And so the good news is we have thousands of opportunities on a daily basis
big and small to notice what's happening and choose different. And we don't start with discipline. That is a recipe for disaster, right? Like I think traditional people who train on wealth and money will start with discipline. And that is just like a recipe for disaster for people with ADHD. We have to start with regulation. Regulate first, then choose.
something that changed my life that I still work on in different areas is recognizing that I don't need to make perfect financial decisions. I need to pause long enough to let my body catch up. Most quote unquote bad or unwanted spending happens not because you don't know better, but because your body is dysregulated and your brain is grasping for relief.
I can't tell you how many times I struggled with the basic self-care task of drinking water, remembering to drink water, taking water with me, and then I don't drink water and I get a UTI, and then I have to spend money on the doctor and the medication. And again, when you're neurodivergent, we tend to be sensitive to changes in our body or like the opposite, right? Sometimes we get totally disconnected from parts of our body.
But like I go from feeling totally fine one moment to being so completely thirsty and dehydrated the next, especially if I come out of a hyper-focused hole. And if I don't have water with me and I'm out and about like at a cafe, I'll buy like a $5 water because it's immediate, right? There's lots of sensory experiences and self-care experiences that are really challenging to prep for if you're neurodivergent. Photosensitivity.
Kate Bailey (16:23.297)
sensitivities to blood sugars dropping, and this is amplified tenfold if you have an invisible disability like diabetes. Sometimes the regulation of your blood sugar is life and death, and sometimes the regulation of your water intake and your food intake feels like life or death because you know as a neurodivergent person, especially I'm speaking to my fellow autistic people, that if you don't meet your basic needs, you could experience a meltdown.
If you don't have hacks for your self care needs that are so much harder than doing basic adulting becomes this survival pattern that we repeat every day. And so again, we have to start with regulation. At first, that might be you just getting a water solution on the go that helps you stay hydrated. I can't tell you how many clients I've had in my Play Big Queens accountability program whose first accountability goals are simply and not so simply.
starting with getting themselves to carry water with them and hydrate often and have like a hydration plan. That is one action behavior or choice that you can start to change that can start getting you from this survival mode to being regulated around money. Sometimes it just starts with basic things like food, water, shelter. So that has to be the mantra, right?
Everything that you do in life has to do with your money relationship. Whether or not you hydrate has to do with your money relationship. Whether or not you are in a cycle of meeting your own self-care needs has to do with how you approach money decisions on a day-to-day basis. But I want to give you a few tools that we can go further into regulation around. So tool number one, you got to be willing to name it without shame.
So next time you're reaching for your card impulsively, say even out loud, this is a dopamine decision. Just name it. Like that single moment of mindfulness starts to break the cycle and gives you back your power of choice. Tool number two for regulating is create a dopamine menu for yourself. Write down five to 10 things that give you joy or comfort without spending money.
Kate Bailey (18:44.42)
Or maybe it can even be something that you make an initial investment in one time and then that's it, right? Like for me, I have my water cup. If I have my water cup, I'll just keep refilling my water wherever I go. For someone else, it might be having like a deep pressure blanket hug whenever I set a boundary or I can't buy something that my dopamine really wants me to buy. I put myself in a boundary burrito. This is something I learned from my coach that I was with.
years ago, I would just like wrap myself up in a boundary burrito and be like, it's okay that I can't buy these shoes right now. Other things that might be on your dopamine menu might be a three minute dance party, walking barefoot in the grass, voice noting a friend and just like laughing back and forth. Like sometimes having an accountability buddy around not wanting to buy stuff can be really helpful. And then the next time the urge hits, try one of
the selections from your dopamine menu first, then check in with yourself. If you still want the thing, that's okay, but now you're choosing and responding instead of reacting. Being in response instead of reaction mode is such a key differentiator for being a leader in business or in a company or a profession, right?
Being someone who chooses and responds instead of reacts is everything when it comes to leadership. Okay, tool number three is start a want list. Like make a list of everything in your phone. Every time you want something, just drop it in there and like revisit it weekly. This gives your desires a place to live without shame and it helps your future self make clear, grounded decisions.
I have a want list and on it lives everything from a portable pole and new pole clothes to a house in Palermo. whatever you have on your want list, like just give it a place to live. Tool number four, which I love this tool. It's so simple. Light a candle, put on a playlist, open all your accounts and just look. No fixing, just noticing. Make your money space safe.
Kate Bailey (21:03.689)
for your body. Let it feel less like self-punishment and more like self-leadership. This also gives you an opportunity to get used to being with your money without panic. And I'm going to start to wrap up, but like there is a deeper truth that we all need to understand here, especially as women, especially as ADHD women. We were never taught how to feel safe withholding money.
We got these messages either consciously or subconsciously, directly or indirectly, that we were too much, too chaotic, too irresponsible. And we start to identify as someone who isn't good with money or doesn't have control over their money. So then we spend money to feel in control. We avoid money so we can feel free and we shame ourselves so we can feel like we're trying. But none of that is power. Power.
is presence. Power is learning to stay with yourself even when it's messy. Power is saying, I'm allowed to hold wealth. I'm allowed to learn this slowly. I don't have to do it perfectly. And I get to try to hold it even when it's hard to hold. And listen, none of us are here to white knuckle our way into some polished version of financial good girl status.
We are here to lead, to play big, to live big, to hold money in ways that feel sovereign, pleasurable, erotic even, and most of all, yours. And this is exactly why I created Hot Erotic Messy Money, a wild, beautiful workshop where we turn money shame into power with a body first approach. It's for women who are done with this cycle.
For those who really get it, that regulation comes first and those who are ready to regulate their nervous systems. It is for those who want to hold wealth without fear, guilt or chaos. And if your whole body just exhaled, then you already know you belong here. And I want you in your full agency and sovereignty when you decide to join. So here is your ethical disclaimer.
Kate Bailey (23:28.968)
from one honest woman to another. This will not fix all your money challenges overnight. This hot, erotic, messy money workshop is not a lotto ticket or a quick fix, but it will give you a space to grieve the old money self who no longer serves you. It will let you consciously feel and embody what it's like to hold wealth.
so you can return to that feeling again and again as you build something real. And it very well could be the moment that you pivot into a new story, the ritual that helps you shed the shame and the scarcity and most importantly, the community that sees the real you so you can stop shame spiraling alone. It could also be the somatic shift that helps you take your next
brave, practical step toward your vision of wealth. It's also a space where people will deeply understand what you are going through because this is a neurodivergent, affirming, shame-deconstructing, radically honest space. It will be fun, it will be raw, it will be real, and it will be messy. And it might just be the moment that you get out of denial and into glorious, pleasure-filled, messy action.
starting by taking delight in the version of yourself you once tried to hide and ending with the boldest thing of all, you living boldly in your authenticity, actively learning to hold wealth for real, like a sovereign play big queen. Hot, erotic, messy money is a live experience for women ready to rewire their relationship with money. For those who are ready to stick
their flag in the sand. And to start this reclamation not through budgeting apps but through the body, somatics, mindset and energetics. We'll start with shame release, somatic safety, erotic permission and enjoy creative expression. And we'll go over some of the nuances around how to hold money without betraying yourself.
Kate Bailey (25:50.44)
And it's so important that you understand that this workshop is not about fixing you. It's about coming home to a version of you who trusts herself to lead with money, power, and desire. It's like any other relationship that's been on hard times. If trust has been broken down, we have to start somewhere to rebuild it. That starts with a decision, a proclamation, a reclamation, and knowing what it feels like to repair that relationship for real.
without making yourself small or wrong in the process. Join the wait list now at hoteroticnessymoney.com and come get free with us. Early Bird wait list pricing is gonna be $97 with bonus access to the Whore Crawl course. Then it goes up to Early Bird, which is 197, and then the regular pricing is gonna be 297.
I don't have the exact dates yet of when the prices are going up, so just keep listening to the podcast because I will be updating you all on the ins and outs of the changes of the offer and the due dates and all that stuff through the podcast, through the email list, and on my social media on Facebook. You really don't have to do this alone. You do not have to keep carrying shame like it is yours alone to hold. We see your brilliance.
even if your bank account doesn't yet reflect it in your desired currency. And more importantly, we see that you are becoming the woman who can hold more than you were ever taught to believe was possible. If you want to have this experience with us, put hoteroticmessymoney.com on your want list, check in with it next week, see if it's still something you want, and let your next money season be this reclamation, not a punishment.
Because you are not just meant to make money, you are meant to hold it with power. Okay, until next week my loves, stay big, stay brave, and keep playing bigger than the world told you was allowed. Okay, that's it for this episode of the Play Big Queen podcast. Thank you so much for sharing your time with me. As always, eat the fruit, spit out the seeds, take what nourished you, keep what resonated for you, and leave the rest. Because ultimately,
Kate Bailey (28:13.766)
you know best. This episode is over until next time, we can keep this thing going. Go to xxxkatebailey.com, scroll to the bottom where it says Join Our Community, and get on the email list to get all the juicy details about all my offerings and where Play Big Queens play together online, on social media, and in person. We've got a tight community of women claiming their boldest desires, celebrating wins, playing all out, fiercely standing for each other.
and going higher together. Go to xxxkatebailey.com, put in your email address and confirm your subscription. Once you're in, you'll get all the juicy guides, tips and inspirations and you'll get notified first about all the offers we have for all the big stuff we're doing over here. Go to xxxkatebailey.com to stay in the loop. That's xxxkatebailey.com.
If you like what you heard in this podcast, subscribe, share it with your friends, and if you got something from this, I would appreciate some reviews and ratings. When you take the time to review the podcast, it helps our podcast get out to more women who need it. If you haven't already, head over to iTunes and Spotify and show PlayBigQueen some love. Also,
I want you to know that my door is always open and I will always make space for you to be heard and to honor your experience. The views expressed in this podcast are through the lens of my personal identity and my own lived experience. I am a European mix, Mediterranean mutt, who is an Italian, Sicilian, cis heterosexual woman born in New York, experiencing the world in a white body as a multiply neurodivergent.
who lives in a neurodiverse and racially blended family. And like everyone else, my one single perspective comes with its own limitations. I have done personal and professional work around anti-racism, diversity, equity, equality, and inclusion. I am not a therapist or doctor, and any coaching or advice cannot take the place of professional medical, mental health, or healing help. However, that being said,
Kate Bailey (30:22.744)
What happens in my work is often a very powerful additional supplemental or alternative way to heal around identity work, mindset and emotional wellness. Although I am not a licensed therapist, it is worth noting that in addition to being a mentor, I am trained and certified in emergency medicine and response. I have rendered care to over 20,000 patients in the course of my career. I have taught over 15,000 students, many of which
at learning disabilities that were undiagnosed and came from diverse cultural backgrounds. I was also a private health college adjunct professor who was responsible for training medical professionals on how to respond to trauma and behavioral emergencies. If you approach me with any concern, you will be met with professionalism, compassion, tact, understanding, support, and a readiness and a willingness to advocate for your needs. That being said, sometimes I just get it wrong.
I am a human being on my own growth journey after all. When I mess up, I'm always available for courageous and crucial conversation that makes way for growth and healing. Your experience and voice matters to me. I sincerely welcome any feedback you feel called to share. You can email your comments or concerns to info at playbigqueen.com knowing that I am open to having any and all crucial conversations needed. Okay.
Remember, you are brilliant. Celebrate yourself. Value your own unique way and honor your own timing. Because you can totally create a life and business that feels good and is successful on your terms. Remember to release expectations of what you think your Play Big process should look like and be willing to do the work that needs to be done to Play Big. But most of all, when you come face to face with your boldest desires, remember to trust yourself.
and play big clean.
Kate Bailey (32:22.212)
Hi, queen. I see you're in it for the long game. If you reach this part of the podcast episode, it means you're interested in learning more about my work, my values, my mission, and my community. So let's go deeper together. I am here to activate neurodivergent women to play bigger and to show you that you are so capable of doing big things and that if you value your own unique way and honor your own timing, you will learn to receive your boldest desires and so much more.
In my world, what makes you different is valued, celebrated, honored, and welcome. I welcome all who identify as female and non-binary folk in my Play Big Queens community. We believe in and support LGBTQIA plus 2S, Black Lives Matter, women's and pro-choice rights, and obviously intersectional identities, including disabilities, neurodivergence, and religious beliefs. Personally, I am pro sex worker rights.
pro-Palestinian liberation, against Islamophobia, and against anti-Semitism, and I'm also against any cult-like religions that use beliefs as an excuse to indoctrinate people into abusive, autocratic systems. Like many neurodivergent people, we have big hearts and a strong sense of social justice around here. You are encouraged to stay and play in our Play Big Queen community if you share these values. For those who find the word queen does not resonate.
Perhaps because of imperial associations, the Play Big self archetype can take any form and the invitation and activation remains the same. To learn to embody your Play Big self, to operate from love instead of fear, to go on a Play Big journey in community because you know that no Play Big queen can truly Play Big.
alone. To decide to cultivate the courage to use your voice, unmask, reclaim, embrace and embody your brilliance and create a life and business that works with the unique way that you work. Through this work, you will come to know the truth of your brilliance deeply. And as you come to know your authentic self, more and more will begin to open up for you. Knowing your unique brilliance will lead to great success and true belonging. In this world, we take the pressure off.
Kate Bailey (34:38.05)
and learn to step off the traditional path so you can blaze your own trail. My mission is to get you motivated, inspired, and equipped to get into massive action and go on your very own Play Big journey. My mission is to empower at least 10,000 women to fully step into their Play Big self by offering healing, transformative, inclusive, and neurodiverse affirming coaching and content.
Through innovative coaching programs, courses, and master classes, we provide the tools, support, sustainability, and community needed to help each woman embrace her unique path to confidence, success, and meaningful impact. If just 10,000 women with invisible disabilities and their allies were empowered with neurodiverse affirming and inclusive communication to express their unique brilliance, step into their authority and autonomy and lead,
the world would experience a profound shift towards inclusivity, innovation, and empathy. These women would break through societal limitations, modeling resilience, creativity, and strength of diversity. Their voices and perspectives, often shaped by unique experiences with challenges and perseverance, would redefine business leadership, inspire systemic change, and create spaces where diverse ways of thinking are not just accepted.
but celebrated. Industries and communities would become more accessible and inclusive with practices that honor varied ways of working, communicating, and achieving. This change would ripple into every area of life and society. Workplaces would become more adaptable, offering a culture of respect for individual strengths, health care, and education systems.
would improve centering accessibility and compassion in their approaches and policies would evolve to better support those with invisible challenges benefiting society as a whole. So many women with so much potential are shrinking in the face of their own brilliance, just sitting on the sidelines waiting for permission instead of getting in the game. The activation of the latent potential in these women, their empowerment, making them visible.
Kate Bailey (36:49.875)
would inspire others, reduce stigma around invisible disabilities, and encourage everyone to lead authentically. Their successes will light the way for countless more women to rise, creating a culture of true diversity where every person feels valued, included, and emboldened to contribute their brilliance and lead with it. If you know you are ready for more clarity, confidence, and you want to embody your play big self and be supported around creating the
big vision for your life and business, then send me an email at info at playbigqueen.com telling me why this work is so important for you and we can explore opportunities to work together and make your Play Big dreams a reality.
