Trascript
Welcome. You are listening to the Play Big Queen podcast. This is for you if you are a woman who is an entrepreneur, business owner, professional, leader, or someone who is deeply committed to personal growth, self-improvement, transformation, and living authentically. This is especially for you if you have an invisible disability, whether you are diagnosed,
undiagnosed, self-diagnosed, or late diagnosed, and you are working on reclaiming your neurodivergent identity, rebuilding confidence, learning what works for your unique brilliance while breaking free from small, people-pleasing conditioning. If you are a visionary change maker interested in advancing your leadership and creating success on your terms, and you want to leave a legacy, if you are navigating disability or neurodiversity as an individual or as an ally, and you are looking for a support
supportive and inclusive environment to thrive, then this is for you. I am your hostess, Kate Bailey. I am the Play Big Queen. My name is my title and a command for all women. Play Big Queen. I invite you to claim this title for yourself and coronate your Play Big self too, if it serves you. I am a business and embodiment mentor working with women who are ready to rise the fuck up and be your bold, beautiful
sexy-ass self, start and grow your big bold vision and claim that you too get to have your boldest desires. I am the creatrix of Kate Bailey LLC, which provides coaching services, educational courses, products and experiences that promote success in neurodiversity advocacy, women's empowerment, embodiment, entrepreneurship and business to serve women on their transformational journey.
To learn more about my company offerings and to get on my email list, go to xxxkatebailey.com. If you would like to learn more about my work, my personal values, my mission and my community, make sure you catch the last five minutes of this episode to go deeper and learn so much more. On this podcast, sometimes we will have guests, sometimes I'll do solo episodes, but every single time you listen, you will expand. So get ready.
Kate Bailey (02:22.04)
It's a new era for women on the Play Big Path. Long may we reign. Welcome back to the Play Big Queen podcast, my neuro-spicies. If you're neurodivergent and you've ever felt like you had to train the very people who are supposed to support you, whether that's your virtual or in real life assistant, your coach, your therapist, your family, or your team, this episode is so for you.
This is one of those episodes you'll want to send to another neurodivergent person to help them out. Whether it's a neurodivergent friend, a client, a family member, a patient. This episode is a resource. It is a reclamation, and it's a reality check for the ableist systems we have been surviving in. Today, I am sharing two real anonymized conversations that I had this week.
One with a neurodivergent CEO client and one with a listener who trusted my work as a neurodiversity advocate enough to message me about navigating the intersection of ableism and therapy. Now both people were navigating very different spaces, but the root issue was the same, ableism disguised as support. Now before we get into it, I wanna take a moment to celebrate something that means a lot to me personally.
I have officially been appointed Sisterhood Director for the Delta Sigma sorority at Arizona State University. Delta Sigma was created to promote sisterhood and engage in cultural, educational, and service activities. We strive to establish, maintain, and encourage high cultural, intellectual, and moral standards among all sisters. You can learn more at asudeltasigma.com.
What makes this sisterhood especially aligned and powerful is our collective commitment to inclusion, particularly our dedication to giving visibility to invisible disabilities. To me, that phrase means acknowledging, validating, and making space for the experiences of people whose disabilities aren't immediately apparent.
Kate Bailey (04:44.025)
It's about challenging assumptions, breaking down stereotypes, and creating spaces where chronic pain, mental health conditions, neurodivergence, autoimmune disorders, sensory sensitivities, and other non-visible disabilities are not overlooked, dismissed, or denied accommodations. In practice, this looks like accessible communication, inclusive policies, and everyday advocacy. It looks like believing people when they share their needs.
It looks like hosting panels and workshops where people with lived experience speak for themselves. It means training sisters, teachers, or community members on things like masking, executive dysfunction, and energy limits. And it includes visual representation in marketing, media, and our spaces. It also means reframing what disability even looks like.
moving away from narrow or medicalized definitions and embracing the full spectrum of how people navigate the world. It's about storytelling, representation, and policy. It's about letting people live without having to prove their struggles. When we give visibility to invisible disabilities, we're not just raising awareness, we're expanding what inclusion really means. We are inviting in compassion,
and we are changing systems and we are building a sisterhood that actually sees you. My experience in this sisterhood so far has been so wonderful and so healing on so many levels to be around other women who are empowered and have the language around invisible disabilities who are willing to learn together and grow and evolve and go higher together.
I have some people in my world who know me so well and who are so close to me. And within the first few semesters of being with this sisterhood, I feel seen on levels I never have been before. And a big part of that is around the invisible disability piece, the neurodivergent piece. To not have to over explain why I need a thing a certain way. To have people in my community who are in
Kate Bailey (07:03.185)
full acceptance of what I say I need, who don't question what I say I need. It allows me to stay in my authority in social relationships in ways that I have never been able to do before. And we're talking play big queen here. I am confident, I am direct, I set boundaries, I do the work of advocacy and self-advocacy and I will explain and not from a place where I feel like I have to
prove, but where I am so devoted to deconstructing ableism in all areas in my life and my world. And then to not have to be an advocate, to just be who I am in community where people have already done the work and they already get it and they're just taking their work to new levels every day. It is a weight lifted off of me that I can't even begin to describe.
And that's when you can start truly stepping into your power. When you are no longer in ableist survival mode and you can lean back because you have created the systems and the support that truly nurtures your growth. But for persons with invisible disabilities, sometimes it just takes work to get there. The system wasn't built to be inclusive and so we have to work to make it inclusive. It's not fair.
that we do such heavy lifting and so much work to make it inclusive. Other people should definitely be sharing the distribution of labor here. But if you take one thing from this episode, I want you to know it is possible. It is possible for people to truly see you and accept you. It's possible to return to wholeness and authenticity, to be a real human in all of your feelings and still be taken seriously.
And I know when we first start waking up to what ableism is and how it affects us when we have invisible disabilities and how it affects everybody, how it affects our family members who don't understand ableism and how that unconsciousness prevents them from having deeper connections with us, how everybody suffers under ableism. When we understand that, we can start to improve. And so I want to start with a message that I got from someone that I am calling
Kate Bailey (09:29.263)
the ableism inquirer. I love this person and I love this archetype, someone who's so willing to understand more about ableism and their role in it and how people are affected. After my autism and RFK commentary posts and podcasts kind of went viral, I had a lot of people reaching out and asking questions. And one woman reached out saying, can I run something by you?
I think my therapist said something that's really ableist to me yesterday and it's weighing on me. I want to say something to her about it, but I'd like someone else's opinion." She had vulnerably shared how painful it was to feel unsupported by family and a partner who doesn't embrace her neurodivergence. And her therapist replied with, why shouldn't you have to find other support? And did I feel that? That sentence.
felt like it bypassed the whole truth of what it's like to be neurodivergent in a world that constantly asks us to bend. I knew this person asking the question could hang with a deeper conversation, because first of all, right off the bat, they asked if they could run something by me. They got consent before just diving in. I could tell this ableism inquirer operated from a place of deep respect and authentic desire to know more.
and a willingness to perspective take. Wanting somebody else's opinion means you're willing to see things from a different angle. And when you're willing to do that, that's where we have so much opportunity to deconstruct ableism. So here's what I told her. I said, your feelings, they make so much sense. The therapist's comment, whether or not it was meant to hurt, places the burden back on you.
And that's one of the most exhausting things about ableism. It's often not loud and it's not violent. A lot of the times it's quiet. It is polite. It's systemic. We live in a system that is ableist, just like we live in a system that is racist. Structural ableism is baked into everything. And because of that, we are all ableist. Even if it doesn't align
Kate Bailey (11:53.269)
with your values and morals. Even me, even you, even your therapist. We are all in this system saturated in the conditioning, languages and beliefs that are a result of a system that was designed for only one type of brain. And the truth is most people don't know what ableism really looks like in practice. Like I have a reading comprehension challenge. When I get a giant
paragraph of text, it is so hard for me to process. So if you send me a giant block of text to process, that doesn't mean you're a bad person for sending it. It just means most people haven't been educated on how to make their communication inclusive. And sometimes the way platforms and our methods of communicating are designed
inherently ableist. I prefer voice notes so I could send somebody a voice note and they could have an issue with auditory processing. There are some programs like in Slack that give you a visual transcription of the voice note but in Facebook DMs it does not and so that extra labor around that, that is the system at work. But you know what? We can name the impact
and we can keep the door open for growth. There are degrees of ableism. Some comments are flat out wrong. Others are well-meaning, but still land really hard. So yes, the therapist's comment that rubbed the ableist inquirer the wrong way, it rubbed them the wrong way because it was invalidating. It reinforced this idea that they were the problem to be solved. Instead of seeing
how painful it is to be in relationships where no one wants to meet you halfway. So the person who inquired about whether this is ableism or not isn't actually a client of mine, but something I do with my clients that I think is super helpful for self-advocacy and neurodiversity advocacy is conversational modeling. So I offered some language that she could bring up with her therapist if she chose to.
Kate Bailey (14:12.77)
And what she could do is she could go to that therapist and say, listen, when you asked why I shouldn't have to find new supports, it felt like you were implying that the burden was mine instead of recognizing the grief I'm holding. That felt very invalidating, especially as a neurodivergent person who already experiences this kind of dismissal and invalidation a lot. Going forward, working together, I would like us to acknowledge how unfair this is.
And yes, you could say, well, that's the way the world is. The world isn't fair. But it's super not fair for marginalized identities and those with disabilities. Now, after I shared this with her and I shared some of my boundaries around coaching, which she did not request, but typically early on, I let people know how I operate in my business, like with so much love.
She let me know that the process of setting those boundaries kicked up RSD hard for her. She messaged me saying she was sorry for taking up space, sorry for taking up my time or being too much. And this Playbid Queen had to be authentic with her. I let her know I experienced that too. I have done a lot of work on it, but like I have experienced rejection sensitive dysphoria. Again, I'm not a therapist. I don't treat it.
but a lot of my clients have it. And I have a lot of experience in emergency response and that includes people with behavioral emergencies. And so I feel really prepared to assess any signs that they might need extra support. But so often in my containers and in my conversations, I find that people feel like once their RSD gets kicked up,
they wind up relaxing a little bit afterwards because I communicate with them directly. I let them know that, I work with people with RSD every day. I work in advocacy, so I have a lot of these conversations and I always have to set boundaries around like, where's the line between where I wanna offer some information because I really believe in advocating for neurodivergent people.
Kate Bailey (16:25.709)
and where do I have to let people know how my business operates, right? It's also so important remembering that setting a boundary is not a sign someone messed up. You're not expected to know everything about a person, especially if you just met them for the first time. And not only do boundaries need to be set in the beginning of a relationship, but they need to be set continuously going throughout the relationship. And boundaries are really just a way for people to get to know each other, right?
Also, in my world, there is no hierarchy. Like your time is not less or more valuable than my time. If you took the time to ask me a vulnerable question and to put yourself out there, I am gonna receive it, that's it. And then also, I thank this person because of course, this is something that so many people grapple with and I knew it had to be a podcast episode because we all can learn from navigating.
the support structures where ableism seeps in. And so I let this person know, I see you, I see all the emotional labor that comes with having to teach people how to support you while you are regulating your nervous system with RSD. It is a lot. Now I wanna talk about what happens when you're the CEO of your business that you built and you are still doing all the labor.
Now I'm not talking about the labor that comes with being a leader or being the CEO. I'm not talking about the labor of having to just train your team. I'm talking about the labor of all that on top of the labor of deconstructing ableism on top of the labor that someone with invisible disabilities has to navigate on a day-to-day basis. So this client of mine is a neurodivergent CEO who is juggling a lot.
She was already carrying a full load, managing her health, navigating new medical stress, holding it all together as a business owner. On top of that, her assistant kept sending her overcomplicated instructions and long-winded processes that just didn't align with how her brain actually works. She shared with me, my nervous system is just whacked out from working with her. And this hit me like a lightning bolt.
Kate Bailey (18:50.192)
because I see so many neurodivergent business owners trying to build empires where they also have to educate their staff on accessibility. And that's like, you shouldn't have to teach accessibility 101 and run the business and heal your body at the same time. So here's what I told my client. First and foremost, everything you are feeling is valid. As neurodivergent people, we have to remind ourselves of that.
all the time because we exist in a reality that doesn't make space for or see our needs and it feels like it's so much work to be seen. So we have to validate, right? It's not that you want to burn down your business because that's what a lot of people confuse it for, right? In entrepreneurship and business, we get to this point where like sometimes we notice we built unintentionally the same systems.
that we had in the traditional working world that we left because that was our pattern. That's what we knew how to do. We didn't know what we didn't know. And so we just kept recreating the same type of things over and over again. And so when you start seeing those patterns in your business, instead of bossing up and CEOing up and changing your procedures, so it really does reflect
the dream business you wanted to build that's based on your values, we get to this point where we kind of just like want to burn down the ableist, capitalist, patriarchal bullshit that our assistant doesn't even realize they're replicating. We know we want to have an accessible and inclusive business. We know as the CEO, we need to include ourselves and we have to have access because it is so important because without us, nothing works. But instead of wanting to burn it all down,
we have an opportunity to talk strategy. So when you are in the middle of this and you give yourself a little self-care, like I'm talking at least a couple hours, and then you get the bandwidth, here's what I recommend. Talk to your assistant or your virtual assistant and set a less is more rule. No more 10 minute long looms or a combination of like,
Kate Bailey (21:05.836)
20-minute voice notes or 20-step documents, ask them to send you no more than three steps at a time. A two-minute voice note max, keep it high level unless you specifically ask for more detail. Another strategy is to train your assistant to your rhythm. You gotta let them know that your business runs on your brain's tempo. You need collaborative walkthroughs
not over complicated explanations. That might mean explaining things more than once. Having to have something explained to you from your assistant or your staff more than once does not mean that you are inefficient. It means that you have an accessible work environment that you can participate in. And then another strategy, which I highly recommend, especially if you're building a values-based business that honors the way you work.
where you get to honor the way you work, you have to set a boundary. Accessibility is not an option here. If your assistant wants to work in your business, they have to learn how to support you, the actual you, not the idea of what a CEO should be. Because if you're neurodivergent and you're any kind of a leader or disruptor, you and how you do things in your business are not going to look like what people expect.
Can you have a conversation about what works for your assistant as well? I would hope that you do. If you want your business to be accessible, it should be accessible for everyone, right? But first and foremost, you are the CEO of your business. You are the whole engine that runs this train. You deserve to be included and have access to the things that you need access to in your business. And most of all, I reminded my client in all this that she is allowed to be tired. She is allowed
to set fire to whatever doesn't serve her because she is the ultimate authority and leader in her business. And if she ever does want to burn it all down and start fresh, I'm bringing the vision board and the matches. Listen, ableism isn't always loud. It's not always someone calling you a slur or mimicking you or intimidating you. Sometimes it's your therapist missing the point. Sometimes it's a virtual assistant
Kate Bailey (23:33.225)
giving you instructions that only overwhelm. But that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the way you work. It means the world wasn't designed with you in mind. And how do we just stop bitching about it and start doing something about it? We change these systems by naming them, by staying in relationships when it's hard and people don't understand each other as long as they are willing to grow.
by refusing to apologize for how our unique brilliance works, and by refusing to carry the full weight of making all of this better alone. If this episode made you feel seen, share it. Let another neurodivergent sister know she is not crazy, she is not lazy, she is not dense, she's not faking it. She is just tired of doing all the emotional labor in a system
that refuses to learn. My love, if I have to say it a million times in a million episodes, you are not the problem. The system is. And I know especially in America, the second you start talking about quote unquote the system, people think you're some crazy extreme left wing whatever. But none of this was built with everyone in mind. And I don't want you to burn out.
you are allowed to choose instead to burn the ableism down in your business with love. Okay, that's it for this episode of the Play Big Queen podcast. Thank you so much for sharing your time with me. As always, eat the fruit, spit out the seeds, take what nourished you, keep what resonated for you, and leave the rest because ultimately, you know best.
This episode is over until next time, we can keep this thing going. Go to xxxkatebailey.com, scroll to the bottom where it says, join our community, and get on the email list to get all the juicy details about all my offerings and where Play Big Queens play together online, on social media, and in person. We've got a tight community of women claiming their boldest desires, celebrating wins, playing all out, fiercely standing for each other.
Kate Bailey (25:52.159)
and going higher together. Go to xxxkatebailey.com, put in your email address and confirm your subscription. Once you're in, you'll get all the juicy guides, tips and inspirations and you get notified first about all the offers we have for all the big stuff we're doing over here. Go to xxxkatebailey.com to stay in the loop. That's xxxkatebailey.com.
If you like what you heard in this podcast, subscribe, share it with your friends. And if you got something from this, I would appreciate some reviews and readings. When you take the time to review the podcast, it helps our podcast get out to more women who need it. If you haven't already, head over to iTunes and Spotify and show Play Big Queen some love. Also,
I want you to know that my door is always open and I will always make space for you to be heard and to honor your experience. The views expressed in this podcast are through the lens of my personal identity and my own lived experience. I am a European mix, Mediterranean mutt, who is an Italian, Sicilian, cis heterosexual woman born in New York, experiencing the world in a white body as a multiply neurodivergent.
who lives in a neurodiverse and racially blended family. And like everyone else, my one single perspective comes with its own limitations. I have done personal and professional work around anti-racism, diversity, equity, equality, and inclusion. I am not a therapist or doctor, and any coaching or advice cannot take the place of professional medical, mental health, or healing help. However, that being said,
What happens in my work is often a very powerful additional supplemental or alternative way to heal around identity work, mindset and emotional wellness. Although I am not a licensed therapist, it is worth noting that in addition to being a mentor, I am trained and certified in emergency medicine and response. I have rendered care to over 20,000 patients in the course of my career. I have taught over 15,000 students, many of which
Kate Bailey (28:00.118)
at learning disabilities that were undiagnosed and came from diverse cultural backgrounds. I was also a private health college adjunct professor who was responsible for training medical professionals on how to respond to trauma and behavioral emergencies. If you approach me with any concern, you will be met with professionalism, compassion, tact, understanding, support, and a readiness and a willingness to advocate for your needs. That being said, sometimes I just get it wrong.
I am a human being on my own growth journey after all. When I mess up, I'm always available for courageous and crucial conversation that makes way for growth and healing. Your experience and voice matters to me. I sincerely welcome any feedback you feel called to share. You can email your comments or concerns to info at playbigqueen.com knowing that I am open to having any and all crucial conversations needed. Okay, remember,
You are brilliant. Celebrate yourself. Value your own unique way and honor your own timing. Because you can totally create a life and business that feels good and is successful on your terms. Remember to release expectations of what you think your Play Big process should look like and be willing to do the work that needs to be done to Play Big. But most of all, when you come face to face with your boldest desires, remember to trust yourself and Play Big Clean.
Kate Bailey (29:32.868)
Hi, Queen. I see you're in it for the long game. If you reach this part of the podcast episode, it means you're interested in learning more about my work, my values, my mission, and my community. So let's go deeper together. I am here to activate neurodivergent women to play bigger and to show you that you are so capable of doing big things and that if you value your own unique way and honor your own timing, you will learn to receive your boldest desires and so much more.
In my world, what makes you different is valued, celebrated, honored, and welcome. I welcome all who identify as female and non-binary folk in my Play Big Queens community. We believe in and support LGBTQIA plus 2S, Black Lives Matter, women's and pro-choice rights, and obviously intersectional identities, including disabilities, neurodivergence, and religious beliefs. Personally, I am pro sex worker rights.
pro-Palestinian liberation, against Islamophobia, and against anti-Semitism, and I'm also against any cult-like religions that use beliefs as an excuse to indoctrinate people into abusive, autocratic systems. Like many neurodivergent people, we have big hearts and a strong sense of social justice around here. You are encouraged to stay and play in our Play Big Queen community if you share these values. For those who find the word queen does not resonate.
Perhaps because of imperial associations, the Play Big self archetype can take any form and the invitation and activation remains the same. To learn to embody your Play Big self, to operate from love instead of fear, to go on a Play Big journey in community because you know that no Play Big queen can truly Play Big.
alone. To decide to cultivate the courage to use your voice, unmask, reclaim, embrace and embody your brilliance and create a life and business that works with the unique way that you work. Through this work, you will come to know the truth of your brilliance deeply. And as you come to know your authentic self, more and more will begin to open up for you. Knowing your unique brilliance will lead to great success and true belonging. In this world, we take the pressure off.
Kate Bailey (31:48.738)
and learn to step off the traditional path so you can blaze your own trail. My mission is to get you motivated, inspired, and equipped to get into massive action and go on your very own Play Big journey. My mission is to empower at least 10,000 women to fully step into their Play Big self by offering healing, transformative, inclusive, and neurodiverse-affirming coaching and content.
Through innovative coaching programs, courses, and master classes, we provide the tools, support, sustainability, and community needed to help each woman embrace her unique path to confidence, success, and meaningful impact. If just 10,000 women with invisible disabilities and their allies were empowered with neurodiverse affirming and inclusive communication to express their unique brilliance, step into their authority and autonomy and lead,
the world would experience a profound shift towards inclusivity, innovation, and empathy. These women would break through societal limitations, modeling resilience, creativity, and strength of diversity. Their voices and perspectives, often shaped by unique experiences, challenges, and perseverance, would redefine business leadership, inspire systemic change, and create spaces where diverse ways of thinking are not just accepted
but celebrated. Industries and communities would become more accessible and inclusive with practices that honor varied ways of working, communicating, and achieving. This change would ripple into every area of life and society. Workplaces would become more adaptable, offering a culture of respect for individual strengths, health care, and education systems.
would improve centering accessibility and compassion in their approaches, and policies would evolve to better support those with invisible challenges benefiting society as a whole. So many women with so much potential are shrinking in the face of their own brilliance, just sitting on the sidelines waiting for permission instead of getting in the game. The activation of the latent potential in these women, their empowerment, making them visible,
Kate Bailey (34:00.536)
would inspire others, reduce stigma around invisible disabilities, and encourage everyone to lead authentically. Their successes will light the way for countless more women to rise, creating a culture of true diversity where every person feels valued, included, and emboldened to contribute their brilliance and lead with it. If you know you are ready for more clarity, confidence, and you want to embody your play big self and be supported around creating the
big vision for your life and business, then send me an email at info at playbigqueen.com telling me why this work is so important for you and we can explore opportunities to work together and make your Play Big dreams a reality.
